Still Wondering

I have always been a very private person. Very few know the real me, very few get that close, and that does bring me much comfort most of the time. But as a few of you know, the last year has been a very hard one for me, in trying to deal with several losses. Some of them, well there was nothing I could do to stop them. Death comes to all, and even if we are not ready, it will happen. Sometimes by an accident, sometimes by a disease. From those, you just have to continue. But when the "death" comes from something stupid, it makes it much harder to deal with. And that is where I am right now.
I had a friend, one that welcomed my youngest daughter into the world. I didn't think that anything could ever break us apart. Little did I know how easy that would be to happen.
I guess this is all brought back up again because I heard her on the radio the other day. And it started me to thinking about it all again. Not that it ever has gone away, because it hasn't. And it made me start to think....what was a lie?
When I think about the times we had together, about the struggles we experienced, about the laughs we shared, were they all lies? Was I a "fair weather" friend, and as soon as someone else came along, no longer important? So does that negate all the memories we shared? I just don't know. I somehow wonder if it means that the memories were only important to me and not to her. Else, how could you walk away from 30 years without looking back.
I still mourn the loss of my best friend, even if she meant more to me than I meant to her. The dreams of growing old together are gone, and sadness has taken that place as well. Life goes on, and I must too. I have resigned myself that what is gone will never be again. But that doesn't take away the sadness that still remains.

Onset Of Fall

Well, that time of year has started...the beginning of fall and the soon onset of winter. The mower has been put away, the sheds cleaned out, and the leaves are falling from the trees. And as much as we would love to not have it (most of us anyway) the snow will be falling and turning our grass into a blanket of snow. So now is a time to reflect on the past year, and think about the upcoming months.

This year has been hard, emotionally anyway, for me. Loss is hard to get over, and sometimes I don't believe you every actually do totally get over it, you just try to survive. That is where I am. A thought, a smell, a photo brings back all the pain. Only time will see how much better it gets. But on to other things
.
I haven't written for a while. Been busy with a lot of things. I look at my list on the refrigerator, and some things are marked off...some are not...and many will be added to the new list that will get started with the turning of the new calendar. Always something to do.

Looking ahead, well that is something that is a mixed set of feelings. Christmas has been celebrated with my best friend, and now that is over....hard to think of her not being there. But I can only do so much...

Our family has so much trouble all of us getting together that we only have 1 holiday gathering. Our plans are on...so hope that everyone gets off, gets there, and that the weather cooperates and we have a great time, like we do most years...and no guys, a cirlce does not mean grapevine..stop cheating!! It does make for happy memories and good times teasing for years to come.

One of the more recent holiday celebrations involves....the story box. My friend Drena does the most magnificant stories and tales. And every season she does a story, incorporating members of my "axe murdering group". She sends little gifts to be opened during the reading of the story. And makes it so much fun. But the best part...she makes each person the star, the hero, the one who "gets the guy" in the end. But even better...she lets us know that she really cares about us. That we are not alone, no matter what. That someone will always remember us and want to be a part of our lives. That this set of misfits now do belong to something that surrounds us, draws us together, and gives us a feeling of home even when we all live so far apart.

Christmas is all about love. The love of our family, the love of our friends, and the greatest love, the love of our Heavenly Father. What could be a better way to celebrate the season.

Makes me wonder

Hi all, and hope everyone (my one or two readers, lol) are doing well and managing to stay cool in this unusual weather we are having right now. Boy, the weather must be taking something, cause it just can't make up its mind what it wants to do. First hot than cold, than hot again, than cool, now headed into the hot. I for one am not going to complain too much, cause I like it hot and am not looking forward to winter returning again. But I do have a new front door and storm door compliments of the wonderful assistance from my son and daughter in law (I paid, they helped with the muscle) so hopefully the winter winds will stay outside where they belong.
This year has been a hard one, for many reasons. Like much of the country, the job outlook is bleak right now. And this is no different where I work. Cut backs, no raises (nope, no cost of living raise at all), hoping that they don't start laying off, and not being sure what next month is going to bring makes it hard to have a good outlook for the future. Listening to the news doesn't help. Do the people in Washington not realize how hard it is for the working class these days? They have their safe and secure (until the next election) jobs and than tell us we need to give more and have less? Please, get real...the working class is supporting this country, everyone else needs to buck up and help.
Those that have followed this blog (yep, meaning you one or two) have read about my lost friendship. That hasn't changed either and that is hard to deal with. But as I have no choice, will make the best of the situation. But it makes me wonder....do they even think about me? Wish they had done something differently? Miss what we had? Or have they just put it out of their minds and are now happier with their new "best friends?" I will never know, but it does make me wonder.
Which brings me to....what makes someone think they can determine what is best for someone else? I recently read a blog, and by reading I could tell the writer was being very judgmental about someone else, and "looking down their noses" at a person/group of people. Do you make yourself feel better about something if you do this? Does it clear your conscious to say these things? Or are you just thinking you know better? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but my mind does reflect on them a lot. And I think that maybe you need to examine yourself a little bit more before you say such things. He who is without sin....may be a phrase that should be remembered a little bit more often and followed. Can we ever advance as a person, let alone a nation unless we become more accepting of others, and realize that we don't know it all, in spite of what we may think. And karma does have a way of coming back to bite you when you least expect it. I truly believe that what goes around comes around, so you should always be prepared. Or best yet, don't say what hurts others. Because it does, even if you don't want to admit it.
And to the other reader (not you two, that other one) I hope that you remember what hurting feels like, because Karma will come back around, and it will be a bitter pill to swallow.
And I know this probably doesn't make any sense, but it made me feel better, so am glad I wrote it!
Stay cool and have a wonderful rest of the month!

Memorial Day

For years, I can remember my Grandmother going around to the cemeteries, and placing flowers on the graves. I didn't really understand what the hoopla was all about, when I was a kid. But as the years have rolled by, I feel a bit differently about this tradition, and cemeteries in general.
Growing up, cemeteries were always scary places. They had all those stones with the names of dead people, and they were creepy. I hated to go to the cemetery, cause I was just scared. And than when I was a teen-ager, I seemed to be leaving everyone I loved in a cemetery, and that didn't make it any better. And still I was scared, and it still seemed creepy.
Now, it is different. I don't go often to where my loved ones are buried. Why? Well, mostly because it is a drive to get there, and, well, there are so many things to do that finding the time is hard. But when I do get there, I no longer find it creepy. And in some ways, it is peaceful.
I often go with my daughter, who helps me place the flower arrangements around the stone. But sometimes, when she is busy, I go by myself. I clean the weeds and grass away, remove the old flowers, and place the new. And than I sit down and think. I touch the stone, as if in some way I can touch their faces once again. I talk to them, catch them up on what my kids have been doing. I tell them all about my grandkids, how they are growing and what they have been up to in school. I tell my grandfather how proud he would be of his great-grandsons, and how he would love to take them hunting and fishing. I tell my Mother and Grandmother about my granddaughter, and how proud they would be of her, so smart and pretty, and kind. And I feel bad that they will never know these people who mean so much to me. I am sad of the times we didn't get to spend together. Of all the times I so wanted to talk to them, and couldn't. Of what we missed. Of what we never had the chance to enjoy.
And I wonder what will happen when I am gone. Will my daughter continue to come and do the flowers as we have in the past? Or will they become a burden to her, through no fault of her own. She does have her own family to think of, and these are people she has never even met. And will my grandson feel creeped out in the cemetery? Will he not want to come to my final resting place because of that? I hope not. I hope that he will always be able to feel the love I have for him, and know that even death won't change that.
I often just wander around the smaller cemteries around my house, and I look at the stones. I wonder at the people who those stones represent. Some of the stones are now falling down, many no one places flowers around. Often you can't even read the stones anymore. But I touch the stones, and wonder at the life they represent. And sometimes just sit and listen, to see if I hear a story in the wind. And I no longer feel creeped out, but a sense of peace. These stones represent people, many who died way too soon, as did my Mother. They had people who loved them, and at one time missed them.
I still don't like death, but the cemeteries no longer creep me out. And now I understand why we spend all those days visiting the cemeteries and placing the flowers. My Grandmother understand, and now so do I. Maybe time does change a lot of things after all. So place a flower at a family member's grave, or if it is too far away, at a grave of someone you don't know that doesn't seem to have anyone. And close your eyes and listen. Did you feel that wisp of air along your cheek? That was a kiss from an angel, telling you thank you. Because as long as one person remembers, no one is truly forgotten. Happy Memorial Day Everyone.

Vacation!

It's that most wonderful time of the year...vacation! That time that we work so hard for all year. The time when we can sit back and relax, and enjoy not going to work.
Well, my vacation started yesterday in the most excellent way. My youngest grandson turned 2 yesterday, and I can't believe how the time has flown. I so remember the phone call from my daughter that she was in labor. I remember the scary feeling when I knew the delivery was in trouble and they had to take them to the operating room. I remember the thrill of seeing his little face for the first time. And the pain at seeing my daughter so pale and tiny lying on the bed after the surgery was completed. So many emotions in such a short span of time. Sometimes it isn't good to know so much about these things! But they were both fine and the next great adventure started.
So much has happened with little man in the last 2 years. He has an amazing personality, an adorable smile, and a way of doing those little things which definitely pull at your heart strings. Yes, he has me wrapped around his tiny finger, and that is where I want to be. So much love for and from someone so small, it still seems hard to believe!
I also got to see my other two grandchildren yesterday. They are both growing up so fast as well. And before we know it will be grown and gone. But for now, will enjoy as much time with them as possible.

The rest of vacation plans include mowing, sewing, cleaning brush, pulling out a door, finishing trim, working on a flower bed, cleaning a horse shed, cleaning a hay shed...how long before I go back to work???
Will have to go back to work to rest up from vacation, and once again start planning for the next vacation, which will always seem very far away.

New season, old feelings

I think that it is finally here, spring. The sun has been shining, the breeze warm, and the best...no snow! This time of year is about renewal. New baby animals are born, along with new human babies. The flowers bloom, the grass grows, and the frogs start their season long croaking. The windows are open, the air flows in, and the stale from winter is blown out to mix with the fresh spells of spring. The world seems fresh and new again.
Like others, I have been working outside as much as possible. Moving growing flowers, adding new flowers, and reworking old flower beds. Making things look fresh and imagining what the flowers will look like in one or two months from now. Opening the BBQ grill and getting ready to throw on all the old favorites. I look forward to watching my grandsons fish in the pond, and wait to hear about my granddaughter's trip to Europe. Makes you think that life doesn't get any better than this.
But in it all, I am dealing with the loss of my friendship. I wrote about it earlier. And hate that it has not improved, and is gone forever. Any new friendships will be tempered with regret for this loss, and will never reach the depths that was previously known. But now, it is worse. Because it is effecting my child. Today I spoke with my daughter, who expresses her feelings about the situation. How disappointed she is, and how this person turned out to not be the person she thought she was. You see, my daughter grew up thinking of this person as her aunt, and loved her dearly. And, due to this has also lost someone close to her. And this person is missing out on all that my daughter has to offer. And that is sad.
So in this season of new, I still feel the hurt of losing the old. How sad it is to throw away a life time of friendship. Knowing that it is gone, like the residue of old flowers in the flower beds, brings a sadness that will never be lifted. So bring on the flowers, start the grills, and spell the first roses of the season, and don't pay attention to when I become quiet, as I am just remembering part of the old.

What is Friendship?

Recently on Facebook, there has been a posting circulating regarding family, what it really is. And this goes along with something that I have been dealing with for many weeks now, so was kinda strange that it appeared.
What is family? The dictionary describes family as a group of individuals living under one roof, a group of persons of common ancestry. We all have people we are related to that we would rather not claim, but they are still family. But I have always thought that being a part of a family went much deeper than blood lines or hair color. It was a feeling that you had.
Thus leads to the next question, what is a friend?  The dictionary describes a friend as one that is attached to another by affection or esteem. So friendship is the state of being friends. Simple meanings. Or are they?
What really describes a friendship? This is where it seems to get harder. Is a friendship built quickly or over the long haul? Can a friendship that is built on solid ground fall apart over one or two disagreements? Six months ago, my answer would have been no, but as I have come to find out, you can lose a friendship over something totally stupid and not directed at the friend themself. And this is a sad thing.
When you are in high school, friendships were often very fleeting, ending at the drop of a hat. Maybe because you were not part of the in crowd, or because you liked the person someone else liked. Or because someone said that you said that someone said.....you get the idea. That is not truly a friendship.
I always thought that a true friendship was one where you cared about the other person. Where you helped them out because it was the thing to do, not because you expected anything in return, except for their friendship. Where you were there for each other, thru the good times and the bad. And when you hadn't seen each other for months, could pick up the phone and continue a conversation like it had been yesterday that you last spoke. When you would give up everything you owned to help that person out, and would literally trade places with them if you could if something was really wrong with them. That you hurt when they hurt, and you celebrated when they did. That you had a wonderful thing happen in your life, and they were the person you wanted to tell. And you couldn't imagine your life without them.
I had a friend like that, for more years than I would like to admit. Divorce and marriage, births and deaths, new houses and moving, new adventures and old talks. Who's kids you rocked, and who your kids wanted to be around. Someone I felt was more like a sister than a friend. And someone I couldn't imagine growing old without. But now, that person is gone. And it isn't by death or moving. It was by a disagreement. So I guess I am wondering when you end a friendship. Over one fight? Would you stop loving your kids because you got into a fight with them? No, or we would never speak to our parents, let alone our kids ever again. You wouldn't end you marriage over one disagreement, or get rid of your dog because they chewed up one shoe. So why a friendship? Was it not as solid as I thought? I just don't know. But I do know that there is a huge hole in my heart for what used to be, and for what is now gone. And I am very sad.

Now, don't ya wish I had never started this blog? It just seems easier to write this than to talk to anyone about it. And I guess this is a way to try to start the healing. Or at least a way to release some of the pain. Either way, I can not see every having a friendship this close again, it just hurts too much to lose.