Still Wondering

I have always been a very private person. Very few know the real me, very few get that close, and that does bring me much comfort most of the time. But as a few of you know, the last year has been a very hard one for me, in trying to deal with several losses. Some of them, well there was nothing I could do to stop them. Death comes to all, and even if we are not ready, it will happen. Sometimes by an accident, sometimes by a disease. From those, you just have to continue. But when the "death" comes from something stupid, it makes it much harder to deal with. And that is where I am right now.
I had a friend, one that welcomed my youngest daughter into the world. I didn't think that anything could ever break us apart. Little did I know how easy that would be to happen.
I guess this is all brought back up again because I heard her on the radio the other day. And it started me to thinking about it all again. Not that it ever has gone away, because it hasn't. And it made me start to think....what was a lie?
When I think about the times we had together, about the struggles we experienced, about the laughs we shared, were they all lies? Was I a "fair weather" friend, and as soon as someone else came along, no longer important? So does that negate all the memories we shared? I just don't know. I somehow wonder if it means that the memories were only important to me and not to her. Else, how could you walk away from 30 years without looking back.
I still mourn the loss of my best friend, even if she meant more to me than I meant to her. The dreams of growing old together are gone, and sadness has taken that place as well. Life goes on, and I must too. I have resigned myself that what is gone will never be again. But that doesn't take away the sadness that still remains.