Memorial Day

For years, I can remember my Grandmother going around to the cemeteries, and placing flowers on the graves. I didn't really understand what the hoopla was all about, when I was a kid. But as the years have rolled by, I feel a bit differently about this tradition, and cemeteries in general.
Growing up, cemeteries were always scary places. They had all those stones with the names of dead people, and they were creepy. I hated to go to the cemetery, cause I was just scared. And than when I was a teen-ager, I seemed to be leaving everyone I loved in a cemetery, and that didn't make it any better. And still I was scared, and it still seemed creepy.
Now, it is different. I don't go often to where my loved ones are buried. Why? Well, mostly because it is a drive to get there, and, well, there are so many things to do that finding the time is hard. But when I do get there, I no longer find it creepy. And in some ways, it is peaceful.
I often go with my daughter, who helps me place the flower arrangements around the stone. But sometimes, when she is busy, I go by myself. I clean the weeds and grass away, remove the old flowers, and place the new. And than I sit down and think. I touch the stone, as if in some way I can touch their faces once again. I talk to them, catch them up on what my kids have been doing. I tell them all about my grandkids, how they are growing and what they have been up to in school. I tell my grandfather how proud he would be of his great-grandsons, and how he would love to take them hunting and fishing. I tell my Mother and Grandmother about my granddaughter, and how proud they would be of her, so smart and pretty, and kind. And I feel bad that they will never know these people who mean so much to me. I am sad of the times we didn't get to spend together. Of all the times I so wanted to talk to them, and couldn't. Of what we missed. Of what we never had the chance to enjoy.
And I wonder what will happen when I am gone. Will my daughter continue to come and do the flowers as we have in the past? Or will they become a burden to her, through no fault of her own. She does have her own family to think of, and these are people she has never even met. And will my grandson feel creeped out in the cemetery? Will he not want to come to my final resting place because of that? I hope not. I hope that he will always be able to feel the love I have for him, and know that even death won't change that.
I often just wander around the smaller cemteries around my house, and I look at the stones. I wonder at the people who those stones represent. Some of the stones are now falling down, many no one places flowers around. Often you can't even read the stones anymore. But I touch the stones, and wonder at the life they represent. And sometimes just sit and listen, to see if I hear a story in the wind. And I no longer feel creeped out, but a sense of peace. These stones represent people, many who died way too soon, as did my Mother. They had people who loved them, and at one time missed them.
I still don't like death, but the cemeteries no longer creep me out. And now I understand why we spend all those days visiting the cemeteries and placing the flowers. My Grandmother understand, and now so do I. Maybe time does change a lot of things after all. So place a flower at a family member's grave, or if it is too far away, at a grave of someone you don't know that doesn't seem to have anyone. And close your eyes and listen. Did you feel that wisp of air along your cheek? That was a kiss from an angel, telling you thank you. Because as long as one person remembers, no one is truly forgotten. Happy Memorial Day Everyone.

Vacation!

It's that most wonderful time of the year...vacation! That time that we work so hard for all year. The time when we can sit back and relax, and enjoy not going to work.
Well, my vacation started yesterday in the most excellent way. My youngest grandson turned 2 yesterday, and I can't believe how the time has flown. I so remember the phone call from my daughter that she was in labor. I remember the scary feeling when I knew the delivery was in trouble and they had to take them to the operating room. I remember the thrill of seeing his little face for the first time. And the pain at seeing my daughter so pale and tiny lying on the bed after the surgery was completed. So many emotions in such a short span of time. Sometimes it isn't good to know so much about these things! But they were both fine and the next great adventure started.
So much has happened with little man in the last 2 years. He has an amazing personality, an adorable smile, and a way of doing those little things which definitely pull at your heart strings. Yes, he has me wrapped around his tiny finger, and that is where I want to be. So much love for and from someone so small, it still seems hard to believe!
I also got to see my other two grandchildren yesterday. They are both growing up so fast as well. And before we know it will be grown and gone. But for now, will enjoy as much time with them as possible.

The rest of vacation plans include mowing, sewing, cleaning brush, pulling out a door, finishing trim, working on a flower bed, cleaning a horse shed, cleaning a hay shed...how long before I go back to work???
Will have to go back to work to rest up from vacation, and once again start planning for the next vacation, which will always seem very far away.

New season, old feelings

I think that it is finally here, spring. The sun has been shining, the breeze warm, and the best...no snow! This time of year is about renewal. New baby animals are born, along with new human babies. The flowers bloom, the grass grows, and the frogs start their season long croaking. The windows are open, the air flows in, and the stale from winter is blown out to mix with the fresh spells of spring. The world seems fresh and new again.
Like others, I have been working outside as much as possible. Moving growing flowers, adding new flowers, and reworking old flower beds. Making things look fresh and imagining what the flowers will look like in one or two months from now. Opening the BBQ grill and getting ready to throw on all the old favorites. I look forward to watching my grandsons fish in the pond, and wait to hear about my granddaughter's trip to Europe. Makes you think that life doesn't get any better than this.
But in it all, I am dealing with the loss of my friendship. I wrote about it earlier. And hate that it has not improved, and is gone forever. Any new friendships will be tempered with regret for this loss, and will never reach the depths that was previously known. But now, it is worse. Because it is effecting my child. Today I spoke with my daughter, who expresses her feelings about the situation. How disappointed she is, and how this person turned out to not be the person she thought she was. You see, my daughter grew up thinking of this person as her aunt, and loved her dearly. And, due to this has also lost someone close to her. And this person is missing out on all that my daughter has to offer. And that is sad.
So in this season of new, I still feel the hurt of losing the old. How sad it is to throw away a life time of friendship. Knowing that it is gone, like the residue of old flowers in the flower beds, brings a sadness that will never be lifted. So bring on the flowers, start the grills, and spell the first roses of the season, and don't pay attention to when I become quiet, as I am just remembering part of the old.